Do you ever get tired of reminding your kids to make their beds, pick up their shoe, practice their piano, take their clothes out of the bathroom. This week a home-schooling Mom in our support group wrote to us asking for prayer, she was feeling a bit overwhelmed.
"...I am seriously wondering whether anything I teach my kids (and I'm not talking about the academic stuff) is getting through to them. There seems to be absolutely no sense of self-discipline at ages 9 and 10. I feel like we are sinking in quicksand, and the more I try to get out the worse it gets..." Have you been there? I know I have.
My children are 12, 13, 14. I am a very extroverted Homeschooling Mom. I am a very active and high energy person. I am fairly self-disciplined person. and I can't tell you how many times I have asked myself whether or not anything I am trying to teach my children is sinking in at all. They squabble among themselves, and have to be reminded over and over to make their beds, pick up their clothes, keep their dressers tidied, take their things up the stairs, PUT THEIR DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER, only to name a few.
I want to share with you that first of all self disciplined middle school children are a rarity. Unless you are a mom who is borderline OCD with perfectly consistent correction and follow through, with your children, [or have that rare child who is a neat freak(also tending toward OCD], You are likely experiencing what most of us go through with our middle schoolers. They are dicey, pre-occupied, flighty and though can remember a thousand things in a video game... they routinely forget to do many of the simple tasks we are trying to train them into.
They are certainly old enough to do most anything and it does seem like they ought to put this together... but remember we are training them... Yes, training them... and my mother reminds me frequently that the key word train here is train and like the one you have to wait for on the day you are late, for most of us this is a very long and frustrating experiences. She explained that it is an experience that will make you look back and miss potty training because self discipline is a much longer and more complex process!
I don't know your lifestyle, but with ours this is complicated further because though we love the idea of simplicity... we own a lot of stuff, stuff complicates alot of things. At this point I am not prepared to turn our house into a mini-franciscan residence and get rid of it all (LOL), so this requires that I use added patience as we work on it. We also are very busy, so routines are tough to come by... this means I am somewhat inconsistent. This also adds to the challenge of habit training.
So what "Habit training" requires of us is a lot of patience. With me,in particular, this requires even more GRACE, because I get so frustrated, I frequently imagine that a good lecture will help them remember next time. [Note to self: they don't really! Further reflection causes me to suspect that I actually do it because the drama of the lecture and occasional shouting for emphasis gives me a bit of an adrenaline rush that feels like release... Pathetic, Huh? :) ]
So over the last 4, (Yes, count them-- 4 years) I have been able to see this in a different light. My children's sense of self discipline is primarily going to come out of their observation of my leading and modeling a self disciplined life. My mom encouraged us to have personal prayer time throughout my teen years... I have them today. She taught me to keep clothes off the floor, my clothes lived much of their lives on the floor of my closet until i got out of college, Today there are no women's clothing on the floor of my bedroom. She explained budgeting, tithing, saving and forced it on us all while we lived at home... I was crummy with my money until I had a house payment and husband... and this summer we burn the mortgage.
Self-discipline was not a major trait of mine through my youth or even in young adulthood. I’ve developed as I have slowed downand matured as a mature woman with purpose and intentionality. For the last 18 years I have finally been putting into practice the stuff my mom told me, showed me, and scolded me for. But I suggest that the greatest element, as important as her unfailing efforts, was the fact that I had seen self-discipline modeled before me day in and day out. She wasn’t perfect, but she did the best she could for 18 years. Interestingly, she would tell you that a lot of it she didn't even master herself until I had reached middle school, but I have little recollection of anything but order and intentionality.
Don't get discouraged. Keep at it every day. Celebrate the victories. Notice them when they do what you are looking for. Strive to find ways to turn negatives and failures into positives and a chance to learn. At least they tell me that it was they would like me to do! ? Right now, my kids are just starting to actually surprise me with three and four days in a row of actually remembering to do part of the above mentioned list. But it is never all 3 of them remembering 3 days in a row... so there is always someone to correct somewhere! For most children these routines and self discipline issues are long-term projects. I try to read idea books with "how to" ideas from time to time, just to give me new suggestions.
These are just a few thoughts that I hope will encourage you and remind you that you are not alone. Start each day asking for grace wisdom and strength. Be gentle on yourself, kind but firm with your kids and let Divine Mercy flow right through the living room, let it wash over all the stuff that needs to be picked up or attended to. On days you don't succeed, apologize and get a fresh start tomorrow, and if you mess up as often as I do, the graces of frequent confession can strenghten your resolves to be gentle.
With prayer and patience we will succeed!
